


The Christmas Party

by Larxicana



Series: Help Wanted [2]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Christmas Party, Human AU, Humor, Multi, frienship, pretend romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-15
Updated: 2016-03-15
Packaged: 2018-05-26 22:21:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 21,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6258052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Larxicana/pseuds/Larxicana
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perry thought he was doing a pretty good job of balancing his place at the agency as their top spy and his place at Heinz's side as his pretend-partner, but little does he know that this next party will cause all of his careful planning to fall apart.</p><p>This story can stand on its own, but if you want to read what happened before this, go to Part 1 "For a Friend".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Invitation

**Author's Note:**

> I did make Charlene just a wee bit of a bitch. Just a heads up. Also, the chapters might end a little weird, because this story was written as one continuous piece, but it was too long to post as such, so I broke it into chapters to make it a little easier.

“Ah, Agent P, you’re here.” Monogram spoke as the platypus jumped into his chair in front of the computer screen in his underground base. “Good. It’s Doofenschmirtz. Resource says that he’s just accrued a large amount of gingerbread and hot coco mix. And while yes, it is that time of year, we can’t help but worry that he’s putting these classic Christmas delights to evil uses. Oh the inhumanity!” Monogram put his hands to his head for a moment, causing Carl to walk over and pat his shoulder.

“There there, sir. We still have coco in the break room. Agent M just made a fresh batch.”

Monogram sniffled and lowered his hands, “Yeah, ok…” He then turned his attention back to Perry, who had an eyebrow raised as he waited for the point. “I know you’ve been putting in a lot of hours with Doof lately, a lot of evening hours actually, and while we haven’t really _seen_ an –inator yet, we can’t just ignore this injustice. You need to go over there and see what he’s up to.”

Perry saluted before he jumped up from his chair and went to his jetpack. He paused to wrap a scarf around his neck before strapping the pack on to fly through an opening in his underground base. As he flew through the chilly evening air, he couldn’t help but wonder if he was actually going over to Heinz’s place to stop him from doing something evil, or to help him with his Charlene problem. If only Monogram knew how much time he was spending as a completely different species and _not_ fighting crime.

A while ago, maybe six months? Had it really been that long? Heinz had found out that his ex-wife and brother were engaged and it had crushed him. Not about Charlene getting married, but the part about marrying his brother Roger. In his haste not to seem so lame, he had spit out that he had a date and that they could meet them. Problem was, he didn’t have a real date and ended up begging Perry to help him. With the help of an –inator that could change him into a human being, they dazzled Charlene and Roger during a dinner party Heinz held. The problem was that they were so dazzled that they insisted on inviting the _both_ of them to almost every event they held, which meant Perry had to change and go to every single one or risk everything coming crashing down and destroying poor Heinz. And while Perry certainly wasn’t above making Heinz’s life difficult, after hearing the way Charlene and Roger had treated him, cruel and borderline vicious, he couldn’t just stand by and let that happen. If someone was going to be mean to Heinz, it was going to be _him._

Though as time went on, Perry was getting the feeling that Charlene was suspicious of them, like she was catching on that something wasn’t right. He certainly hoped that wasn’t the case and he was reading too much into those glances, but if all his years of being a secret agent taught him anything, it was to listen to his gut, and right now, it was telling him to be careful.

On the plus side, Perry had started to notice a distinct lack of evil going on. Little did Monogram know, Heinz hadn’t made a new –inator in little over four months, which had surprised Perry when he realized it. It was strange, but Heinz just didn’t seem bitter anymore. Of course he had those moments where he would curse something stupid, like hotdog venders, but that was all it came to - cursing. No big complicated plan to rid of them all or anything like that. Perry wondered, almost afraid to hope, if the day Heinz officially gave up evil was coming. He liked to think he had something to do with that.

As he approached the Doofenschmirtz building, he let up on the gas a little so he could make a slow decent onto the balcony. No sooner did his feet touch the snowy porch did the sliding door open and Heinz appear in a black, turtle neck sweater and long pants.

“Perry the Platypus, what are you _doing_ out there? It’s _freezing_! Quickly, come inside where it’s warm.” He stepped aside so Perry could pad into the apartment and remove his jetpack. As soon as it was off, he put his hands on the floor to give himself a good, full body shake to get the chill out of his fur. “Here, have some coco.” Heinz held out a tacky coffee mug to him, which Perry took eagerly, wrapping his small hands around its warm surface.

Heinz turned to walk deeper into his apartment, to the living room where a fire was burning in the fire place. “I can’t believe you came over here in a _jetpack_. It’s _snowing_ outside!” He sat down, watching as Perry set his cup on a side table so he could climb up into a chair across from him before picking his mug up again. “Seriously, I know you have _fur_ and stuff but it’s _fifteen_ degrees outside.” Perry pointed to the scarf around his neck. “Really? You think a _scarf_ is going to protect you from frostbite?” Heinz gave him a look, causing Perry to shrug. “How am I supposed to _destroy_ my nemesis if you destroy _yourself_?”

Perry raised an eyebrow at him as he took a sip of his coco. They hadn’t fought in months, so he didn’t really take the words for their weight. Still he found comfort in them, however odd that may be.

“You know, I realized something the other day.” Heinz started again, “I haven’t built an – _inator_ in like… four _months_. Did you know that?” Perry nodded. “Well of course you did. You’re a secret _agent_. You guys know _everything_. But how crazy is that? I discovered this when I realized I was buying stuff in _bulk_ on the internet just so that OWCA would _see_ it and send you to investigate. It’s like the _only_ way to contact you. At least I liked what I bought this time.” He leaned forward to push a tray of gingerbread cookies across the coffee table to his nemesis, “Here, have a cookie. They just came out not long ago.” Perry smiled and leaned forward to take one, dunking it into his coco before taking a bite.

“I _guess_ I should tell you why you’re here.” Heinz sighed and rubbed his face, “Although maybe you guessed.” Perry raised an eyebrow, sharing a look with the man. “That’s right. It’s _Charlene_. _Again_. Seriously, I can’t _remember_ a time when that woman was so social. It’s like every _week_ she’s throwing some kind of _party_. And the weirdest thing is that she keeps inviting me! She didn’t want _anything_ to do with me before her and Roger got engaged.”

Perry chirped after he swallowed what he was eating, causing Heinz to frown, “Yeah, I know what you mean. I was thinking the same thing. Although I don’t know _why_ she would be suspicious of us. I think we do a pretty good job _pretending_ to be a happy couple! Last time we even fooled my _mother_ and she can sniff out a lie like stinky _cheese_!”

Heinz stood so he could pace, getting antsy, “But anyways, I just got _another_ invitation to one of her parties.” He walked over to the kitchen table to dig it out of a pile of mail. “It’s an invitation to a _Christmas_ party at City Hall. To be honest, I was expecting this one. If not from _her_ , then from _Roger_. Christmas is one of those big holidays, ya know?” He moved back into the living room to hold out the envelope so Perry could see it. “And look, it’s even addressed to _both_ of us! So it’s not like we can _wiggle_ our way out of it. I’ve noticed that she’s started to do that. It used to be invitations to _me_ with a little note like ‘oh you should bring your little _boyfriend’_ but now they’re specifically addressed to the _two_ of us. What, does she think we _live_ together or something? God, I feel like I’m married all _over_ again.”

The scientist sat back down in his chair, “I’m starting to feel _bad_ for asking this of you. I mean, I felt bad the _first_ few times too, but I never expected this to drag _on_ like it has. I really thought that one dinner party would be _it_ and I’d never hear from her again. She just _loves_ to prove me wrong.” He held his hands in his lap, messing with his fingers, “I should warn you, though, if you agree to this, Vanessa made me _swear_ to tell her so she can drag you out to go _shopping_.” Perry made a face at this. “Yeah I know. _Total_ snores fest, but she insists that an important part of the lie is _looking_ the part, which I guess is true but who wants to be dragged around the _mall_ all day?”

As much as he didn’t like the idea of going to the mall for lord knows how long, Perry knew he couldn’t say no. If he said no now, things would look suspicious. Plus, he didn’t want to throw Heinz to the wolves by himself. He was sure this party was going to be huge with lots of people and Heinz wasn’t good with people. If Perry ditched him now, he was sure the night would end terribly. So with a little sigh, he chirped, nodding his head to Heinz.

The man’s eyes widened, “You’ll do it?” Another little nod. “Oh good! _Thank you_ , Perry the Platypus! I’ll find _some_ way to repay you, though to be honest, this has happened so much that I’m running _out_ of things to do for you. What do platypuses like? I have no idea.” The agent waved his nemesis off, but Heinz flailed is arms back at him, “No! Don’t dismiss this! This isn’t something you can _dismiss_. Oh, you know what? It’s Christmas time! I’ll give you the best Christmas gift _ever_.”

Perry rolled his eyes, but knew it was pointless to argue with the man when he had his mind set on doing something. So instead, he tapped his watch as he looked at him.

“Oh, when it is?” Perry nodded. “It’s this weekend at _six_ , at City Hall. I think I mentioned that. Do you just wanna like… meet _here_? I guess that would make the most _sense_ , because the _Transform_ -inator is here and I have no idea where you _go_ after you leave here. Probably back to the agency, right? Not that I expect you to _tell_ me.” Heinz paused in his rambling thought process to get them back together, “Do I need to do something _outlandish_ to get _Monobrow_ to send you over here?” Heinz grinned, “Did you catch that? _Monobrow_? Ha! I came up with that myself.”

The agent shook his head with a quiet sigh, looking up towards the ceiling for strength before he waved a hand at him.

“No? You’ll just show up? Cool, because I’ve accrued _way_ too much stuff to throw the OWCA into a loop. Seriously, you should see my closet. I don’t know _what_ I’m going to do with it all.” He put a finger to his chin as he glanced over at the closet door that seemed to be straining on its hinges. “Maybe I’ll make something out of it and give it away for _Christmas_. Just not to _charity._ Ugh. I may not have built an – _inator_ in the last four months but I’m not _good_. The day I start donating to _charity_ is the day I go insane.” Perry set his empty mug on the table beside his chair as he gave his nemesis a look. Heinz caught it, eyes widening, “What? You think I’m insane _now_? I am not! I’m a _genius_ , Perry the Platypus. There’s a _difference_.” Perry suppressed the urge to roll his eyes as he took another cookie.

Heinz patted his hands against his knees, “So… That was all I had to tell you. The agency won’t expect you back for a few more hours, right? Wanna watch a _movie_ or something? Oh oh! I just got a bunch of good ones! Ya know, from the whole buying in _bulk_ thing. They’re horror movies!”

While Perry certainly didn’t mind horror movies after watching so many with his boys back home, he had a feeling this would end badly, since Heinz was such a wimp. The man feared that vending machines were going to take over the world. However, he said nothing as he watched Heinz load a DVD into the player and turn on the TV. If the movie wasn’t interesting, watching the make scream like a baby would be.

And he had been right. The next few hours had been wildly entertaining. Not only was the movie pretty good, but watching Heinz scream and hide himself behind a mountain of pillows was definitely the highlight. Plus, Perry got more cookies and hot coco out of the deal, so he would say the night was pretty enjoyable.


	2. Checking In

The next day, Heinz had faked another scheme to trick the OWCA into thinking Perry would be fighting him, when he would really be dragged around the mall by the man’s daughter after having his DNA scrambled again. Vanessa wasn’t anything like Candace at the mall, _thank goodness,_ but she was very firm on many things. “Trust me, Perry! I have a vision!” She kept telling him. Not that he could say anything in protest. However, he did get a smoothie out of the mess, so it wasn’t all bad.

When the night finally came, Perry snuck away from his house, grateful that his family was having their game night and wouldn’t notice his absence until many, many hours later. He had stashed his jetpack in a bush outside so he wouldn’t have to go into his base, just in case Carl was there cleaning or looking at the live feed from his computer. He was pretty sure there weren’t any rules with hanging out with one’s nemesis after hours, he had checked six months ago when this mess had started, but he still didn’t feel like explaining to his boss why he was letting a mad scientist throw him into a completely different species classification group then parade him around at dinner parties.

The agent arrived a few hours before they were supposed to leave for the party so that he could once again be hit with the Transform-inator and put on the clothes Vanessa had picked out for him. Even after months of doing this, the concept of clothes and pants were strange to him, but he was getting the hang of it. Thankfully this wasn’t a fancy party or anything, so he didn’t have to wear a suit for the next four or five hours. Instead he wore fitting blue jeans, which he made sure he could still easily move in. Vanessa had picked out a pair of black ones, but they were so tight he could hardly bend his knees without pain. He had been very firm that he would not wear anything that would hinder his fighting abilities. Vanessa insisted that there wouldn’t be any life or death combat at the party, probably, but decided to let him win that particular battle. He also wore a light blue button-up shirt, a navy blue scarf, a thick wool jacket, leather boots that stopped above his ankle, and a brown beanie. To be honest, he had no idea what it was when he put it on, only that it would keep his poor, human ears warm, but Vanessa told him it looked good on him. Something about complimenting his eyes. Whatever that meant.

After he finished putting everything on and was satisfied he wouldn’t freeze to death without any fur to protect him, he stepped out of the bathroom where he had changed and walked into the living room as he strapped his agency watch around his wrist. He couldn’t really leave that behind, even though he really hoped they didn’t call him tonight. He didn’t want them to see him like this.

“Yes!” Perry looked up when he heard the shout, watching as Heinz came running into the room with… the most hideous Christmas sweater the man had ever seen. He made a face as he watched the attached lights flash different colors, taking in the fringe and really ugly looking Santa Claus. Perry had met the man, and he looked nothing like _that._ “It’s _perfect_!” Heinz pulled on the edge of his sweater so he could see it better, “I just put in the batteries so these babies will be going on all _night_! Party!” He threw his hands in the air with a cheer before he finally looked at his nemesis.

He caught the horrified look on his face and opened his mouth to comment on it, but he shut it with a click. “ _Wow_.” He finally said, “You look really _hot_!” He froze then, his eyes widening as Perry raised an eyebrow at him. “No wait! No, that’s not what I meant!” He flailed his arms a little as his face reddened. “Oh god, was that _weird_? It was _weird_ , wasn’t it? Oh I can’t believe I just _said_ that! What is _wrong_ with me? I didn’t even think about it! It just popped out!” He put his hands to his face as he tipped his head back, “ _Ugh_! I’m so _awkward_!”

The agent couldn’t help but grin as he watched the scientist freak out. Maybe his comment should have bothered him, but it didn’t. He wasn’t really human, so to pass as one so well was actually a compliment. Still, he let Heinz bake in his embarrassment for a moment before he clicked his tongue to get his attention so he could give him smile and a shrug.

Heinz still looked embarrassed as he lowered his eyes to the floor, then his sweater. “I can’t wear this, can I? Not when you look like _that.”_ Perry shook his head, not wanting to be seen with the man while he was wearing that hideous. “ _Fine_. I’ll go change…” He grumbled as he turned to walk back into his bedroom, shutting the door with his foot. A few banging sounds, screams of terror, and minutes later, Heinz returned in black, double breasted jacket, jeans, and what looked like a gray sweater underneath. He looked down at his coat, “I forgot I had this! I bought it because it looked _evil_ , but I never wore it because _Rodney_ wears a jacket that’s double breasted and I didn’t want to look like _him_.” He explained before looking up at his nemesis. “Ready to go?” Perry gave him a thumbs up b efore they left his apartment and went down to the parking garage underneath to get into the man’s old Volkswagen truck.

“She’s gonna have to warm up for a minute.” Heinz explained after turning the car on, “All this cold weather is hard on the old girl.” He smiled and patted the dashboard before fidgeting with the heating settings.

Perry glanced out the window at the other cars, losing himself to his thoughts for a moment before hearing a familiar beeping sound. Without thinking, he pushed back the sleeve of his jacket and looked down at his watch, but gasped when he saw it was HQ calling. He quickly slapped his hand over it before looking up at Heinz with wide, panicked eyes.

The scientist was startled at Perry’s quick motions, but quickly understood, his own eyes widening, “Is that HQ?” He asked. Perry nodded, biting his lip. “Just ignore it!” The agent shook his head. He couldn’t just _ignore_ a call from command! It didn’t work like that! If he didn’t answer, they would send someone to his location using the tracking device in his watch. He signed all this to Heinz.

“Well what are you going to do? You can’t exactly _answer_ when you look like _that_!” Heinz told him, earning a glare for stating the obvious. He gasped, “Wait! Wait I’ve got an idea! Here, watch yourself.” He leaned over and opened the glove box, digging around through a mountain of papers before finally pulling out a small cube. He closed the box again and set the cube on the dashboard, “This is a _hologram_ projector.” Heinz explained, “I use it to get into the carpool lane on the highway.” Perry narrowed his eyes at him. “ _What_? Hey, I don’t think right now is the best time for you to be _scowling_ me about my wrong doings. Anyways, I can program it to project anything I want! I’ll just have it cast _you_ as a _platypus_ and you can point your little camera watch thingy at it!”

That was actually … a pretty good idea. Perry looked at Heinz and motioned to his throat, moving his mouth.

Heinz shook his head, “It’s just a hologram. It can’t talk. I can make it _look_ like it’s talking, but no sound will come out.”

Frowning, Perry thought for a moment. He would have to say _something_ when Monogram addressed him, or it would look suspicious. In the six months he had been doing this whole act, he had never tried to speak before. He had no desire to. Every time he thought about it, his tongue felt like lead in his mouth, but he was going to have to try if they wanted this to work. So he nodded to Heinz, looking determined.

“Ok, I’ll set it up.” The doctor said, toying with the cube for a moment before a hologram of Perry as a platypus popped up, hat and everything. The real agent shook his head, motioning from his shoulders up. “Oh right, that’s all he would see. Ok hold on.” Heinz pressed a few more buttons before the picture changed to just what they needed. With a deep breath, Perry turned his watch to face the hologram before pressing a button to answer the call.

“Ah! Agent P, there you are.” Monogram’s voice came through, sounding loud in the deadly silent car. “I was getting worried when you didn’t pick up the first time.”

Perry touched his throat, swallowing, before he forced air through his vocal cords. The usual chirping sound he would make as a platypus came out, startling both him and Heinz. Luckily the hologram had moved its mouth to accommodate the sound.

“The holiday party is going to be starting soon. Aren’t you coming?” Monogram asked.

The agent tipped his head back and put a hand over his eyes. How did he forget about that? There was an agency party tonight too! Why was everyone having parties on the same night? Who does that? With a silent sigh, Perry chirped again, causing the hologram to move its mouth and shake its head.

Monogram actually laughed, causing Perry to relax. “I don’t blame you. After last year’s mishap with the punch, I think everyone was a little reluctant to come. Well, if you change your mind, you know where we’ll be. Monogram out.” Just as the hologram saluted, it flickered just a little, causing Perry’s eyes to widen, his heart skipping a beat. He hoped the major signed off before he saw that.

“Oh just _relax_!” Heinz told him with a wave of his hand, “I’m sure he didn’t catch that. It was so _minor_.”

Maybe he was right. At least, he hoped he was. With the call ended, he dropped his hand and tipped his head back against the head rest, closing his eyes. That was close.

“Wow.” Heinz turned off the hologram, looking at him, “I didn’t think humans can make _that_ sound. Ya know, that _chirping_ sound you usually make.” The agent shrugged in response as he watched Heinz put the cube away. He would have taken it from him, but he was coming down from a panic attack and didn’t feel like moving.

With everything settled and the truck warmed up, Heinz shifted the car into gear before pulling out of the parking garage. He smiled as he glanced over at him, “So you guys have little _agency_ parties?” Perry nodded, resting his elbow against the lip of the door where it met the window, holding his chin. “That’s so _neat_! I always thought you guys were all _work_ and no _play_. What are they like? Are they any fun?” Perry made a little face and shrugged. They really weren’t his thing. He would rather be home with his family. “Ah I see, you’re just too _cool_ for that kind of stuff, right? You know, you don’t have to be a secret agent _all_ the time. You can have friends.”

Perry glanced over at his nemesis as he drove, quiet for a moment before he lifted his arm to give him a nudge. “Hey! Driving here!” Heinz protested, but when he glanced over at the agent, Perry smiled. Heinz’s eyes widened, going quiet, before his face broke out in a huge grin, “You really mean it?” He asked, getting his silent message from his look. When Perry nodded, he sat up a little straighter in his seat. He didn’t say anything, but the agent could see the way he brightened a little in the darkness.

The rest of the ride was quiet, but not uncomfortably so. Perry gazed out the window the whole ride, watching the world and its lights go by. There were still a few people on the streets, since it was only about six. He wondered where they were going, if they were all going home. When they stopped at a red light, he watched a man and a woman chat on the sidewalk, exchanging words and laughs. It made him smile little. Their happiness was what reminded him of what he was fighting for as an OWCA agent. Of course he always knew, but he never really got to see the world like this. It was a completely different experience. Now he understood why his boys liked to go on night rides with their mother. It was very relaxing.


	3. Dancing Really Is Evil

“We’re here.” Perry lifted his head from his hand when Heinz spoke, looking forward to watch as they pulled and around the curved driveway to City Hall. There were a few cars ahead of them, but no one was inside. Instead, there were men in red coats hurrying around with keys. “Oh great, they have _valet_ parking. They better not scratch up my car. I just waxed this baby.”

A man came walking over to them, causing Heinz to roll down the window. “Good evening, sir. Can I have your name?” He asked politely.

“Heinz Doofenschmirtz.” The doctor answered.

The attendant wrote this down on a split of paper before handing a yellow copy to him, “Here you go. This is the slip you’ll use to pick up your car at the end of the night, alright?”

“Yeah ok.” Heinz took the paper, “But don’t scratch up my car! I’ll know if you did.”

“We will do our best to make sure your car comes back to you in perfect condition, sir.”

Perry got out of the car once Heinz turned it off, adjusting his coat against the cold, snowy night. How did humans survive with such little hair? When Heinz walked around the truck and saw him huddled into his jacket, he grinned, “Cold?” He asked in a light tone, earning a glare. Heinz just laughed and together, they started for the stairs of the building.

Once inside, the agent sighed silently as warmth washed over him like a hot wave, causing a shiver to rush through him from head to toe. There was a woman at the door taking coats, and while Perry was hesitant to give his up, he did so, taking a moment to adjust his scarf and roll up the sleeves of his dress shirt.

Heinz gave up his jacket too before looking down at his sweater, pointing to it. “Here, touch my sweater. It’s really soft!” Perry touched the man’s forearm, surprised to find it was actually pretty soft. “Nice, isn’t it? I got it _years_ ago as a gift. That’s how I get a lot of nice stuff. They’re _gifts_. I would _never_ have bought this for myself. Come to think of it, I haven’t _worn_ it until now. I’m surprised it still fits.” He then grinned at his nemesis, holding out his elbow for him, “Now you’ll _want_ to hold my arm!” His words earned him a narrowed eyes look. “Yeah I’m pushing it, aren’t I?” Perry nodded, but took his arm anyways. They were here now and had to act the part.

The two walked down the hall, following little signs here and there until they reached the main hall, where Christmas music and voices could be heard. The large doors were propped open, revealing a large room was that was tastefully decorated for the holidays with garlands and ordainments hanging on the walls, little snowflakes sprinkled over every table, and a huge Christmas tree on the other side of the room. Perry liked it when his family decorated for the holidays, because it was so personal, with little odd trinkets they’ve collected over the years and the kid’s stockings hanging over the fire place. It always made the house feel even cozier than it already was.

 “Heinz, Perry!” The pair looked up, seeing Charlene wave to them as she started towards them, wearing a Mrs. Claus outfit.

“Oh my _god,_ what is she _wearing_?” Heinz lowered his voice, making a little face as he leaned closer to Perry. The agent shook his head, pressing his lips together as he tried to smile politely, his eyebrows coming together. “I feel like I’m in that movie _Mean Girls.”_ Perry had to duck his head as he snorted, putting his free hand to his mouth. Heinz grinned down at him.

Perry returned his grin and took his hand from his mouth to sign, _If she breaks out into dance, we’re leaving._ Heinz laughed, tipping his head back a little.

“You made it!” Charlene said when she reached them, “I’m so glad. This year’s Christmas party is going to be bigger than last year’s! You know, with Roger being mayor and all, we get to use the banquet hall!”

“It’s… certainly big.” Heinz answered, glancing around the room.

“There are so many people you just have to meet tonight. I’ve told everyone about you two.”

Perry shared a glance with his nemesis. “Did you?” Heinz asked, looking back at her, “That’s great! I know Perry just _loves_ to make new friends.”

“Good! But first,” Charlene held up her gloved hands, “There’s something that needs to be taken care of first.”

“Oh you mean the _valet_?” Heinz pointed behind him with his thumb, “We already talked to him. If he scratched up my car, I’m billing you the damages.”

Charlene glared at him, “That damn truck is disgusting. Why do you still have it?”

Perry tapped Heinz’s shoulder to get his attention to sign up to him. “Yeah see? Perry likes it.”

Charlene glanced over at the agent before meeting her ex-husband’s gaze again, narrowing her eyes, “I’m not talking about the valet. I’m talking about… that.” Her smile came back, perhaps a bit smug, as she pointed above their heads with both her hands.

The pair both looked up, “What is- oh.” Heinz eyed the mistletoe before glancing at Perry, who was just barely keeping the pleasant look on his face. “Are we _really_ doing that this year?” The scientist looked back at his ex-wife. “Last year I got punched!”

“Yes well _this_ year you’ve got a wonderful little boyfriend, who won’t punch you.” She looked at Perry, “Right?” Perry met her gaze, feeling like her question was loaded. He finally understood what was going on here. She was baiting them, testing them. He knew she had been acting strangely the past couple of times, but he was hoping his gut was wrong about this. However, he should have realized after years of service for the OWCA that his gut was never wrong.

So he turned his attention back to Heinz, grabbing his free hand so he could sign against it, masking some of his symbols so only he could understand them. _She’s baiting us._

Heinz’s eyes widened a little before he got that look in his eye Perry recognized. The one he got when he was about to shout something stupid like “ _I knew it!”,_ so he pressed a finger to his mouth to keep it shut. He did _not_ want to do this. He knew Heinz didn’t either. He should have known something like this would have happened.

“ _Heey_!” The pair looked up just as Vanessa came over in her usual black attire, smiling at them. “It’s so good to see you!” She gave her mom a look, “Mom, stop bothering them. That mistletoe thing is so stupid. No one even follows that. It’s just something people do when they’re drunk.” She then turned and gave her father and friend a hug and a kiss on the cheek, “There, kiss quota filled. Now can we _please_ do something fun? I’m dying of boredom here.” She reached out and took their hands so she could drag them away from the entrance and from her mom.

As soon as they were out of hearing rang, she turned back to face them. “You owe me.” She told them, pointing at them.

Perry gave her a relieved smile, nodding quickly as he relaxed.

Heinz made a face, “What’s Charlene’s _issue_? She’s usually so _relax_ about these things. Except for that time _last_ year.” He glanced at Perry when he gave him a questioning look, “I’ll uh… I’ll tell you later.”

Vanessa crossed her arms and frowned, glancing behind the pair to Charlene, who had gone over to talk to someone else, before meeting their gazes again, “Well I know a couple of weeks ago, I heard her saying how she couldn’t believe you found a date.” She smiled at the agent, “A date who was charming, handsome, and an overall amazing pleasure.” Perry smiled at this, standing up a little straighter. However, Vanessa frowned again, “But the way she said it was in spite. Like she _bitterly_ can’t believe it.” She leaned closer, lowering her voice, “And then I heard her saying how she thinks that this whole dating thing is totally fake. That you _hired_ Perry, like an escort. She thinks that’s where all the money she gives you goes.”

The pair of nemeses both made a face, glancing at each other. “Are you _serious_?” Heinz looked back at her daughter, “That’s so demeaning! Not only to me, but to _Perry_ too! _Clearly_ she has no idea talented he is. Escort… psh! That’s a job for _pretty_ people with no talent other than being _pretty_!” Heinz looked back at Perry, “Not that you’re not… handsome… or anything…” He added awkwardly, looking just as much. The agent shook his head with a little smile. He understood what he meant.

“Exactly.” Vanessa agreed, “But the point still stands. That’s what she thinks and if she doesn’t let this go soon, your secret could be found out and everything could fall apart. What we need is to convince her so much tonight, that she won’t have any choice but to accept this and leave you alone.”

Perry nodded. If they could just convince Charlene that all of this was real and not a fake, then they wouldn’t be bothered with these stupid parties anymore and he could quit having his DNA scrambled. He took his hand back from Heinz’s arm to sign with both of them, _We’ll have to put on one hell of a show._

Vanessa nodded then put her hands on their shoulders, “I hope you two are comfortable with each other, because you’re going to have to act like it.”

Heinz grinned, “Are you kidding me? We’ve seen each other at the _lowest_! I doubt there’s anything more embarrassing than _that_.”

“Good, keep that mind set. And if you want some advice? Make each other laugh. Nothing says ‘happy couple’ like a genuine smile and laugh.” Vanessa held up her hand as she looked at Perry, “Don’t get me wrong, you’re an _amazing_ actor, but after six months of knowing you, the polite smile kind of wears off on my mom.”

Perry nodded. She had a point. Everything he had done before worked when they had first met, but now they knew each other and should be comfortable enough to show real personality. He would have to loosen it up a bit. Besides, when Heinz wasn’t off on some crazy rambling rampage, he could be funny, either on accident or purpose. After being friends for so long, he was pretty sure they could handle laughter.

“Ah, so this is where you squirreled off to.” The group looked up when Roger came over with a pleasant smile. Thankfully, he was not wearing the matching Santa outfit to his fiancé. Instead he worn a plain suit and tie. He looked down at Vanessa, “I was talking to you and you just disappeared.”

“Sorry, uncle.” She told him, “Mom was pestering dad and Perry and I had to save them.”

Roger laughed, “Ah she is a little antsy tonight, isn’t she? No doubt she wants everything to go smoothly.” He then turned his attention to Perry. “Perry! So good to see you again.” They shook hands. “I take it we have you to thank for Heinz’s decent appearance this year? No doubt he tried to wear some outrageous sweater like every year.”

“Hey! My sweaters aren’t outrageous!” Heinz defended himself with a frown, “They’re very festive!”

Roger and Perry both shared a look before the agent took one of Heinz’s hands to hold and signed into the other one. _I like this sweater more._

Heinz made a little face, pulling at the sleeve of his shirt for a moment before he sighed, “ _Fine_ , if you like it. But just so you _know_ , come Christmas _day_ , I’m wearing the festive one.” Perry rolled his eyes but agreed to the compromise.

“At least I won’t be there for that.” Roger chuckled, “I have to greet other guests, but you two have fun, alright? Try the punch. It’s amazing.” With that, he turned and left, waving to another person.

Heinz made a little face as he watched him, “I hate that guy…” Perry gave him a look, nudging him in the ribs. “What? Look at him! Hosting his _perfect_ Christmas party.” The look didn’t let up, causing the doctor to sigh. “Alright, alright. He has gotten a little… better, but that can’t change twenty years of oppression!” Perry turned his look to the man’s daughter, who was sporting the same one.

“Right, oppression.” Vanessa said slowly, “Well, while you two handle that, I’m going to be somewhere other than here. Seriously, this party is terrible.” She pulled out her phone and her headphones, “Just try to remember what I said and you should be fine. Besides, Perry’s a secret agent. If that doesn’t help you, I’m not sure what will. Still, if you need me, I’ll be out in the hallway waiting for a ride home.” With that, she put her headphones in and walked away as she scrolled through her songs for something to listen to.

Heinz watched her go, “She used to be so into the _holidays_.” He said with a sigh. Perry put a hand on his shoulder. “Yeah, you’re right. It’s just a _faze_. Still, sometimes I wish I had my little girl back, the one that would get really excited about the _snow_ and wanted to make _snow_ angels and hang _decorations_ with me.”

Perry glanced around the room, biting his lip as he tried to think, before turning back to Heinz, holding up his hands. When he was convinced the man would stop put, he turned and walked over to the open bar they had set up for the party. The man behind the counter handed him a little menu with the list of drinks he could make. Perry wasn’t surprised to see they were all Christmas theme. Most of them seemed strange, like one named the _Drunk Santa,_ which Perry had no desire to taste. There was another named the Mistletoe, which he completely blew off until he saw it had cranberries and cherries in it, which he really liked. So he met the bartender’s gaze and made a writing motion with his hand. The man looked around before grabbing an order pad and a pen, handing it to him. Perry quickly scribbled down his question before sliding it back to him.

“ _Can you make a Mistletoe without alcohol?”_

The bartender read the note and smiled at him, nodding, “Yeah, I can make it with Sprite. Is that ok?”

Perry smiled back and nodded before adding to his note. “ _Two pls. One without alcohol.”_ He couldn’t stand that stuff. How did humans drink so much of it?

“Yeah sure, no problem.” The agent watched as the bartender gathered everything he needed for the drinks before mixing them together with an impressive amount of talent and skill, tossing the drinks up into the air. When he was finished, he poured them into glasses and topped them with cherries.

Perry gave him a nod in thanks as he took them and turned around to return to Heinz, only the man had been surrounded by a group of old ladies, who were picking at his sweater. “Look at you! You’re so _skinny_! You need to eat more!” One said.

“Oh I have just the cutest onesie that would fit you! I just knitted it!” Said another.

Heinz stood completely still, his eyes wide as he glanced around at the old women like he was surrounded by a group of starving lions. He then met Perry’s amused gaze. If possible, his eyes got bigger in a pleading way, making a little face. When the agent just leaned back against the bar with a smirk to continue watching him wither in pain, the man jutted his lower lip out.

“You know, my granddaughter is looking for a husband!”

Perry took this as his cue to take pity on his nemesis, walking back over to him, wiggling between the older women so he could step up next to him. He handed him the drink with alcohol in it.

“Oh thanks, _baby_!” Heinz finally spoke louder than needed, eagerly taking the drink in one hand and the agent in the other, pulling him close so fast that Perry nearly spilt his drink all over his shirt. “Ladies have you met _Perry_? My _boyfriend?_ ” He asked them, making sure to put extra emphasis on the word ‘boyfriend’ so they would hopefully get the message. Perry turned his attention to the ladies and gave them a polite smile, adjusting himself against his nemesis’s side so he wasn’t standing at an odd angle.

A quiet murmur of disappointment went through the group of older women before they actually looked at the agent and irrupted into new praise.

“Oh look at _you!_ Aren’t you a cutie?”

“So polite!”

“You know, my granddaughter is looking for a husband!”

Perry’s smile turned from polite to pained as he glanced around at them then up at Heinz. The doctor didn’t need to read too much into his expression to know what he was thinking, because it was exactly what he was.

“Oh look at _that!”_ Heinz said, pointing to something across the room, “That… _really_ interesting thing over there! On the other side of the room! Not over here! _Super_ interesting! We should go look at it! Over there! On the other side of the room! Not over here! _Sorryladiesgottago_!” Before the older women got a chance to say anything, Heinz was already moving, dragging his nemesis away from the group as quick as he could go without tripping them both. He weaving between people, even going in a circle once or twice. Perry rolled his eyes when he realized the man was doing so to throw the women off their trail, like they were a pack of hungry wolves.

When they finally reached the other side of the room, Heinz let out a loud sigh, dropping his shoulders as he tilted his head back. “Oh thank _god._ I could _not_ take another minute of that.” He then narrowed his eye at the agent, “And _you_! You were just going to leave me to _die_! Sitting over there at the bar, all _suave_ and shit, with that stupid _smirk_ on your face. You were just going to _watch_ as I was eaten alive by those _vultures_!”

Perry grinned, lifting an eyebrow at him.

“Don’t look at me like that! They’re vultures, I tell you. _Vultures_!”

Perry rolled his eyes, but gently pushed the hand holding Heinz’s drink closer to him, finally getting the man to look down at it. “Oh, what’s this?” He took a sip before looking at Perry with side eyes, “Does this have _vodka_ in it? Perry! I had no idea you were a _drinker_!” He grinned but the agent just gave him a look, holding up his own glass so he could see the carbonation bubbles in it. Heinz almost looked disappointed, “Aww that’s _soda,_ isn’t it? You got a _virgin_ drink. I was hoping to see what you looked like totally _wasted_.”

Perry shook his head like he couldn’t believe this man before taking a sip of his own drink. He had no idea what vodka tasted like, but he liked his drink the way it was. He glanced around the room as he slowly twirled his straw around his drink, taking in all the people gathered in little groups, chatting with one another.

Suddenly the music changed from old Christmas songs to something surprisingly upbeat and other worldly. Perry raised an eyebrow but looked at Heinz when the man’s grip on him tightened considerably. He looked horrified.

“Oh no.” He said in a quiet tone, glancing around, “No, not this song! No! I told myself I would never allow myself to be put in this situation again!”

Perry was about to ask what he was talking about when one of the older women from before came over to them and grabbed his arm, giving him a little tug towards the center of the room, where an area had been cleared for dancing. “No, I can’t! I have a bad leg! And a bad back! My knees are made a _cheese_ , I can’t dance!” Heinz shouted in protest, but the woman was surprisingly strong and dragged Heinz away from Perry, ripping his grip from his waist. “No! Perry _save_ me!” Heinz turned his pleading eyes to the agent once more as his drink was snatched from his hand by another older woman, who handed it to Perry. “Don’t let them do this to me! Not after _last_ year! Release me you hungry vultures!”

Perry watched with slightly wide eyes as Heinz was dragged into a circle of people, ranging from young to old, who were all moving together in one big dance. It must have been some kind of folk dance, because Perry had never seen it before. Two people would dance together, moving in sync for a moment before they would switch off and move to another person to dance with. It looked rather complicated, but everyone seemed to know exactly what to do, because it went rather smoothly. Well, if one could count Heinz’s desperate flailing and attempts at freedom smooth.

The man was dragged through the motions of the dance, stumbling all over the place as he protested loudly, “No! Not the hand holding! Oh _god_ , where have your hands _been_?”

He started with the older woman who had dragged him away in the first place, who with her amazing strength, moved Heinz through the dance even though he was clearly trying to fight her.

“I’m going to smell like old lady for _weeks_!”

When it was time to change partners, Heinz tried to make a run for it, but his next partner was a man nearly twice his size in height and muscle mass. Heinz stared up at the man, eyes going wide as he mumbled something Perry couldn’t hear, before he was grabbed and thrown right back into the routine.

As Heinz continued to scream and flail around the dance like a fish out of water, Perry couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across his face. He put the back of his hand to his mouth to try and conceal it, but that didn’t seem to work. “I see you grinning over there, Perry! You’re evil! _Evil_!” Heinz shouted, having just enough time to glare at him before he was grabbed by a little girl, who also had surprising strength. Perry had no idea what they were feeding the people of Drusselstein, but he was grateful it wasn’t being distrusted here.

The agent moved to sit down on a nearby sofa so he could continue to watch, sipping his drink happily. He was perfectly content to just sit there and watch his nemesis be tossed around like a rag doll by a girl that looked like she was five.

“Everybody now!”

Perry’s eyes widened at the words, barely having enough time to register them before someone was taking the glass out of his hands and dragged him towards the mosh pit in the center of the banquet hall. His looked horrified as he tried to pull away, but to no avail. Soon he was tossed into the madness that was this crazy dance. He stumbled and flailed, just like Heinz had, just to stay on his feet. However, his partner was more than happy to pull him through the motions in a way he just _knew_ would bruise later. If he had a voice, he would probably be yelling along with Heinz, who from the sound of it, was in great pain on the other size of the massive circle. Perry wouldn’t be surprised if this wasn’t a dance at all and instead, a way to literally throw people and not get into trouble, because that’s certainly what was going on. One minute he was standing with a frighteningly large man before he was flung by his wrists across the circle to someone else who grabbed his hands to start the whole torture over again. Perry had fought many evil villains, super robots, and monstrous beasts, but all those things were nothing compared to what he was being put through right now. At this point, he was just hoping he got out of this with his hands still attached.

Perry had no idea how it happened, actually he didn’t understand a lot of things in that moment, but somehow he shoved, literally _shoved_ , across the circle and fell right into Heinz, who looked just as terrified as him.

“Oh thank god!” Heinz cried in relief, “It’s _you_! I can’t breathe! I think I lost a _lung_ somewhere in here!” Perry returned his frightened look, nodding quickly. Sadly, there would be no rest for the two of them because with the movement of everyone else in the crowd (seriously, were there even this many people at the party to begin with?), they were forced to continue the dance or risk losing a limb.

“No, not like _that_!” Heinz shouted at him as he took both of his nemesis’s hands and held them up so he could look down at their feet. “Good gravy man! Are you trying to get us _killed?!_ You do it like _this_!” Perry held onto the man’s hands for dear life as they soon started to spin and move in the dance. “Oh shit, _duck_!” Perry looked up just in time to see two people rushing towards them with their hands connected, held high so there was enough room for the two to duck underneath them and come up the other side.

Perry quickly took one of his hands back to sign to him, _This doesn’t make any sense!_

“It never does!” Heinz replied before looking up and letting out a scream, seeing the huge man he had danced with before come rushing at them like he would fit underneath their arms. Quickly the two separated, letting go of their hands so the bull of a man would just blow through without breaking any bones. The crowd swallowed him up again and a crash soon followed, along with a cheer. Perry quickly grabbed onto Heinz again, locking their fingers together, afraid he would lose him in the madness.

Together the two managed to keep up with the dance that seemed to change every moment. One minute they were spinning, the next they were jumping over people, another they were diving out of the way of more people being thrown. Perry pressed his chest against his nemesis’s to avoid an old woman who looked like she had been tossed shoulder over ankle through the crowd. He looked up at Heinz with wide eyes, wondering if people were going to die tonight because of this crazed Drusselsteinian dance.

At some point, the music had stopped, as did everyone else. Perry had no idea how it had happened, but he found himself dipped backwards by his nemesis and completely out of breath. He found his mind echoing Heinz’s earlier thoughts and wondered if he had actually lost a lung in the scrap as he looked up at the man with huge eyes. Heinz seemed just as confused and breathless as he did. When people started cheering, Perry looked around wildly to see everyone had turned to look at them, clapping and waving their hands in the air. He wondered if he had died at some point in the dance and was now in hell.

When he realized that no, he was indeed still alive and everything that had just happened was real, Perry slowly grinned. His body started to shake, starting in his shoulders before it spread all over. His mouth fell open like laughter would come out if it could as he tossed his head back, lifting his hands to put them over his face.

Heinz looked worried, “Perry?” Had he been hurt in the dance? He wouldn’t be surprised. When the agent moved his hands to look up at him, Heinz saw that his face was all flushed and little tears had formed in his eyes. He felt panicked for a moment, having never seen the man _cry_ before, but then he saw the sparkle in his eye, the way the corners around them crinkled. He wasn’t crying, he was _laughing._ Heinz was shocked by the realization but a slow grin came across his face too. Before he knew it, he was laughing along with him. He wasn’t really sure why they were laughing, but he couldn’t stop. As his body shook, he lost his grip on the agent, sending Perry falling to the floor with a thud. The laughter stopped for a moment as they stared at each other, but when Perry snorted, their laughs started all over again.

The agent rolled onto his side, twisting to press his forehead into the floor as he hit it with his fist. His cheeks stung and his lungs ached, but he couldn’t stop his shaking even if he tried. He had no idea what just happened. It was so outrageous and senseless that he found it hilarious. Everyone at this party was _crazy._

When his shaking finally started to die down, he rolled onto his back again, pushing his hair back with both hands. He would get little bursts here and there, but he knew the body of his laughter had passed. Heinz was sniffling, wiping at his eyes above him, red faced as well. He then held out a hand to help the agent back to his feet, though they were a little unsteady at first.

“Well!” Heinz spoke, clearing his throat, “I never _liked_ that dance, but I have to admit, this year’s was, dare I say… somewhat _pleasant_. A very small somewhat, but yeah.”

Perry nodded, but held up his hands, _Let’s never do that again._

“Agreed!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Want a good laugh? Reread the dance while listening to Offenbach, that Can Can song.


	4. Something Isn't Right

Meanwhile at the organization without a cool acronym, Monogram sat off to the side of the room with a glass of punch, watching as some of his agents conversed in polite conversation while others were screeching loudly at each other, jumping up and down. Yup, everything was normal this year, which was good to see. After last year’s incident with punch that turned out to not be punch at all, this year was nice and calm. A good change of pace.

The major turned to his intern, who was certainly downing his third cream puff. “You’re going to make yourself sick if you keep eating those at this rate.” He told him, making a face.

Carl swallowed before looking at him with bright eyes, “I’ll have you know, I hold the agency record for the most cream puffs eaten in a single five minute sitting. My record is forty.”

Monogram made a face and a creeped out sound at just the thought of seeing that. He quickly shook his head and took a sip of his drink. As he looked around at his agents, he couldn’t help but think of Agent P, who had decided not to come this year. He couldn’t say he blamed him. He almost didn’t come either until Carl assured him that Agent G would be kept far away from the punch bowl this time. Still, he kind of missed the little guy. He never said much and usually kept to himself or talked with Peter if he was visiting, but just his presence was comforting. He wondered what he was doing. Probably having a quiet night with his host family, which he didn’t get often, with Doofenschmirtz scheming all the time. It must be nice.

“Do you think I should call Agent P again?” Monogram asked Carl as he looked over at him.

Carl popped another cream puff into his mouth as he thought. “Nah,” he said after swallowing, “He’s probably just enjoying some quiet time. Let him relax. Besides, you talked to him before, right?” Monogram nodded. “Yeah, he’s ok. Just let him be.”

Monogram thought about the call he had with their agent before the party started, nodding, “Yeah, maybe you’re right. Poor guy doesn’t get enough time off, ya know, with him being our top agent and everything. Still, I can’t help but…” The man trailed off, his eyebrows coming together as the conversation he had with Agent P came back to him. The platypus had sounded a little off, but he had just marked it off as his communicator being in need of an upgrade or something. However, he had also noticed that at the very end of the call, right before he signed off, something strange had happened. It almost looked like the picture had flickered. Off sound was one thing, but fuzzy pictures weren’t.

He stood up, “Carl, come with me. I need to check on something.” He said, moving around the table and towards the door. Carl shoved one more cream puff into his mouth before he hurried to catch up. The two walked down the hallway to Monogram’s office. “Can you pull up the video feed of the conversation I had with Agent P earlier?” He asked.

Carl nodded and stepped behind the man’s desk to get to his computer. He pushed his glasses up before his fingers tapped away against the keyboard. “What are you looking for, sir?”

“I just want to check something.” Monogram told him, leaning over to watch the screen as his intern worked.

Within minutes the video was back up again, showing exactly what Monogram had been receiving. “Play it back.”

Carl pressed the play button and listened to their conversation. He made a little face, “Sounds like Agent P’s watch needs a tune up. His voice is coming back a little funny.”

Monogram frowned and nodded, but as the video ended, he narrowed his eyes. “There!” He shouted when he saw it, pointing at the screen. “Rewind it!” Carl quickly did as he was told, playing the video back until the major told him to stop. “Look, there! You see that?” Monogram pointed to a glitch in Agent P’s head, “Is that a rear view mirror?” Carl zoomed in on the spot, confirming that it was indeed.

Monogram stood up straight, his eyes wide, “Carl, do you know what this means?”

The intern looked up at his boss with a gasp, “Agent P’s been captured!”

The major nodded grimly, “This was a play back video designed to trick us! Doofenschmirtz must behind this! Quick, what do we have on him from a few hours ago?”

Carl leaned forward in his seat, typing away on the keyboard again, “Our resources say that he left his apartment around five-thirty this evening and headed to City Hall with someone in the passenger seat.”

“Of course! Tonight the major is holding his own Christmas party! No doubt Heinz went to destroy it.” Monogram rubbed his chin as he glared at the screen. “Can you track the signal in Agent P’s watch? Maybe we can figure out where he is.”

“Done!” Carl pulled up a map of Danville. A little red dot appeared on it, blinking slowly as the camera zoomed in. “He’s at City Hall too!”

“Great goodly-moogly! He must have captured Agent P and brought him with so he could watch him carry out his evil plans! We have to get someone in there to help him!”

“But sir, we can’t just send a full scale assault on City Hall! Not while the mayor is there! It’ll be too suspicious!”

“You’re right.” Monogram stood back, crossing his arms, “We’ll need to send someone undercover to take a look around.”

Carl turned in the swivel chair to look up at him, “What about Monty?”

“No!” The major said quickly, glaring at him, “I’m not sending my own son into danger!”

“But sir, Monty is the only human agent we have available right now! If we send in an animal agent, it would just look weird.”

Monogram frowned, hating it when Carl made good points. Of course they had sent animal agents undercover before, but it was usually Agent P himself, since he was their best agent and a master of disguise. No one else could compare. With a reluctant sigh, he spoke, “Alright fine. I’ll go talk to him and brief him on what we know. I just hope we aren’t too late.”


	5. Knock Out of the Year

“Do you think that’s even edible?” Heinz asked as he leaned his head closer to Perry’s eyeing something on a plate on the buffet table that seemed to be eyeing them back.

The agent made a face as he held onto Heinz’s arm, shaking his head.

“There you two are!” Reluctantly, the pair turned around to see Charlene approaching them. “That was quite the performance out there! Perry I must say, for a guy who doesn’t say much, you can certainly learn quickly.”

Perry nudged his pretend-date, holding up his free hand to sign to him for translation. His words made Heinz smile, “Oh _you_! He said he had a _wonderful_ teacher.” Perry nodded before resting his head on the man’s shoulder, smiling back at Charlene. “Well you know what? You know what?” The agent tipped his head back a little to look up at him. “ _You’re_ wonderful.” He tapped the man on the nose, causing Perry to crinkle it up with an amused look.

“Yes well,” Charlene spoke, getting their attention again. “I hope you haven’t tired yourselves out, because there will be plenty of more dances tonight.”

“Oh I can’t wait.” Heinz replied in a dry tone, earning a small, silent laugh from Perry.

Charlene rolled his eyes, “It’s good to know you still can’t take anything seriously, Heinz.”

Heinz sighed, lifting his free hand to rub at his face, “I’m not going to have this argument with you tonight, Charlene. And you want to know _why_? Because for once, I’m actually _enjoying_ myself. Now, if you excuse me.” With that, he turned and walked away. Perry followed after him, glancing back at Charlene’s slightly surprised expression before looking up at Heinz. He nudged him to get his attention.

 _Are you really enjoying yourself?_ He asked.

Heinz looked down at him, actually looking surprised, “You know I actually _am_? Can you believe it? I mean, it would be better without _Charlene’s_ constant pestering and old women trying to marry _both_ us off to their _granddaughters_ , but other than that, I think tonight has been… fun.” He grinned, “Especially when you tripped _Roger_ into that woman’s chest. I think Charlene’s hand print is going to be on his face _permanently_.”

Perry narrowed his eyes at him, _It was an accident._

“Mhm, sure. You keep _telling_ yourself that.”

The agent rolled his eyes but glanced off to the side, catching sight of a table that had hot chocolate and other warm beverages ready to be served. While that crazy dance earlier had got his blood pumping, he still felt cold without his fur. Hot chocolate sounded amazing right about now, so he let go of Heinz’s arm and pointed to it.

“Ok well don’t knock anything _over_ and _burn_ yourself. It’s not _pleasant_.” Perry gave him a look, putting his hands on his hips. Heinz rubbed the back of his neck, “Yeah, you’re right. _You_ would never do that.”

Rolling his eyes, Perry turned and started for the table. Upon closer inspection, he saw with great delight that there were many different kinds of hot chocolate. Some were different types of chocolate, some had flavorings like mint and caramel. Then there was one that looked as thick as mud, causing the agent to make a face and step to the side a little like it would jump out and attack him. He wouldn’t be surprised. He had seen some questionable food tonight. However, that mint hot chocolate sounded good. There was even a bowl of marshmallows on the table. Perry grabbed one of the upside down mugs to flip over and pour the coco into when someone approached him.

“Hey.” The agent turned his eyes to the stranger, a man dressed in a nice sweater vest with slacks and dark hair. Perry gave him a polite smile. “I saw you dancing before. _Wow_. I don’t think I could keep up with that madness.” The agent shrugged and turned his attention back to the stand. Which one was he going to get again? Oh right, mint. “I heard you were here with that guy, what’s his name… Heinz? But that can’t be right, can it?” The stranger put a hand on the top of the pot Perry had just picked up to push it back down, getting the man’s attention. “Someone like you deserves better.”

Perry’s eyes widened when he finally realized what was going on here. This guy was hitting on him! Gross! He made a face and took a step away from him.

“Come on now, don’t be like that.” The man insisted, his smile charming and lazy. “We’re both young guys. What’s the harm in a little fun?”

If only this man realized how wrong he was, Perry mused as he smirked a little to himself. However, it must have taken the wrong way, because the man only stepped closer. “How’s about you and I blow this party and have some _real_ fun?”

When the agent felt a hand on his lower back, he tensed, but jumped when it slipped lower. Dropping his mug, Perry turned to face the man with a glare, slapping his hand away from him. “Oh a _fire_. I like that.” The same hand reached out and grabbed his hip. When Perry tried to step away, the grip only tightened to the point where he gave a silent wince. “I noticed you don’t talk much. Even when you laugh, there’s not a sound. I think I can fix that.” The stranger grabbed Perry’s wrist when he made a move to hit him, then the other when it was lifted too. Perry took a few steps back, but the man just followed him and bumped him back into the table.

How _dare_ he. This man had no idea who he was messing with. If he thought grabbing him by the wrists was going to hold Perry back, then he had another thing coming. Like a broken nose if he didn’t get out of his face.

“Look at you. Not a single word, yet so expressive. Tonight will be interesting.” The strange got closer, like he was going to kiss him, only Perry turned his head away, glaring as he bared his teeth. He let out a growl in warning, the only one this guy would get before he lost a few important pieces to his autonomy. “Oh, so you _do_ make a sound. Make that one again. I liked it.” The stranger didn’t miss a beat when Perry had moved out of the way of his kiss. Instead he placed it on his neck.

Oh that was it! Perry shifted his weight, bracing some of it against the table so he wouldn’t lose his balance when he threw this guy over it.

“Hey!” A hand was placed on the stranger’s shoulders, getting both their attention. Perry realized with relief that it was Heinz. Good. He could hold this guy down while Perry beat the shit of him for treating him like a sack of meat. Only Heinz had a different look about him, something tense. Perry didn’t get a chance to study it when the doctor was turning the stranger around so he could slam his fist into his nose with such force, it sent him to the ground.

Perry jumped, his jaw dropping as he watched blood gush from the stranger’s nose before turning his wide eyes to Heinz. Now he could see that look more clearly. It was one of blind fiery and outrage, like a fire was burning in his eyes. He watched as Heinz stood up straighter to tower over the guy withering in pain on the floor. He forgot how tall he really was, since he hunched over all the time.

“He said no!” The doctor shouted unnecessarily loud, balling his hands into fists like he was ready to go again if the man stood up. Then Perry noticed how the whole room got quiet. He looked up to see everyone had turned to look over at the noise, which must have been Heinz’s intention. “Touch him again and you’re not going to have any working hands!”

The stranger cupped his bleeding nose, making a face as he glared up at Heinz, before glancing around the room. That was when he noticed everyone was watching and had seen what just happened. Embarrassed and ashamed, he quickly stood up and left, bleeding all over his nice sweater vest.

Heinz glared after him, almost looking like he would go after him, but was jolted from this thought train when Perry touched his shoulder, still looking shocked over everything that just happened. In all the years the two had fought each other, never had Perry seen the man get so upset and so violent. He felt touched and oddly unsettled.

The doctor finally gasped, his eyes going wide, “Oh my god, are you _ok_?” He asked, putting his hands on his nemesis’s shoulders, “I saw that guy looming over you and I just… Did he hurt you? I swear if he did, I’m gonna find him and… I don’t _know_ , shoot him with my Dill _Pickle_ -inator! You remember that one? The one that sends people into space? I’ll send him up into space and he won’t be able to _breathe_ because they’re no _oxygen_ up there and as he’s floating around suffocating, he’s going to wish he hadn’t touched you! And then I’ll go up there in a _rocket_ or something and shoot _lasers_ at him so that he freaks out and flails around but he won’t go anywhere because he’s in space where there’s no air and- did I cover the suffocating thing? He’ll _wish_ he never touched you!”

Perry listened to his rambling rampage, staring at him with big eyes before slowly relaxing. When did this happen? When his nemesis jumped up to punch a guy out then threaten to torture him because he _might_ have hurt him? He knew things had changed over the past six months, but things couldn’t be clearer after what just happened. Perry pressed his lips together as his shoulders lifted a little. Without thinking, he dropped his head forward, resting it against the man’s shoulder as he closed his eyes This effectively silenced his threatening rambles.

Heinz blinked and looked down at him, not quite sure what to do with himself now. He wasn’t sure if he should say something or if this was part of the act or what. Instead, he did what he felt he probably should. He hesitantly lifted his arms before wrapping them around his nemesis to comfort him. He had never been hit on by someone like that before. Actually, he had never been hit on by _anyone_ , but he had to imagine it wasn’t a good feeling, to be looked at like an item instead of a person. It must be terrible. “I’m sorry.” He eventually said, “I um… I’m not very _good_ at this whole _comforting_ thing, but what that guy did was sick.” He lowered his voice, “Though to be honest, even _I_ can’t believe I just walked up and broke his nose.” He felt a smile against his shoulder, causing one to bloom over his face too. “I’m serious about that Dill Pickle-iantor. You just say the word and he’s gone.” Perry shook his head a little. “Of course not. _Always_ the good guy, even when it would be perfectly reasonable to be _bad_. Why am I not surprised?”

“Dad!”

The two separated as Vanessa rushed over to them with a panicked look on her face. “Holy shit! I saw everything. That…” She looked at Perry, putting a hand on his shoulder, “Are you _ok_?” Perry nodded, giving her a little smile.

“Good arm, Heinz!” Roger spoke as he joined them, putting a hand on his brother’s shoulders and gave him a little shake. “Had no idea you had that in you!”

“You and me both…” Heinz mumbled.

Roger turned his attention to Perry, frowning, “I’m so sorry about Daniel. Rest assure that he will never be welcomed around here again. I would suggest calling the police but I think Heinz made the message clear.”

Vanessa looked at her dad, still looking shocked. “I can’t believe you just broke a guy’s nose! That’s so unlike you! You can’t even open a pickle jar!”

“Thank you, Vanessa!” Heinz put a hand over his face in embarrassment. Perry’s shoulders shook as he chuckled, knowing it was true.

Roger laughed then fixed his glasses, giving Perry a smile, “Well I think things are in control now. I’ll leave you two to it. If anyone else bothers you or if Daniel shows his face again, just let me know, alright? I’ll handle it.” Perry nodded in understanding and thanks before the man walked away to smooth things over with the murmuring crowd, something he was good at.

Vanessa turned to her father and friend with a smirk, crossing her arms. “Suddenly this party just got a lot more interesting. Since when do nemeses punch guys out for hurting each other?”

Heinz glanced over at Perry, who looked like he was wondering the same thing. “Well, you know uh… That’s _my_ job! Yeah! I’m not going to let some _back_ water guy hurt _my_ nemesis, because that’s what I do!” He lifted a hand and gave Perry’s arm a pinch, causing the man to make a face as rub his assaulted arm. “Ha! See? There! I’m _so_ much better at this than that guy! Take _that!_ I am _so_ evil.” Perry stared at him with a bewildered look for a moment before he bit his lip and snorted. This turned into a full blown, silent laugh as he lifted his hand to cover his mouth. He bumped his shoulder with the doctor’s, who couldn’t keep from smiling even if he wanted to.

Seeing them laugh together made Vanessa smile. She couldn’t remember the last time her dad seemed so happy. Of course he would be happy when he would finish an evil scheme or something, but this was different. This happiness was brighter, seeming to light the man up from the inside out. It was good to see.

“Alright dweebs,” She started, getting their attention as their laughter died down, “I’ll leave you to be dweeby without me. I don’t want that rubbing off on me.” She stepped forward to give them both a hug. “Oh, and Perry? If another guy tries to get in your pants, feel free to use some of those secret agent moves and toss him out a window, ok?” Perry nodded as his shoulders shook a little. “Good.” She looked at her dad and tilted her head as she smiled at him, “Though that was definitely very cool. Keep it up, dad.” She then turned and walked away, disappearing in the crowd.

Heinz’s eyes widened, shocked frozen for a moment before turning to Perry, “Did you hear that?” He asked, “She thinks I’m cool! I’m a _cool_ dad now!” He grinned and did a little dance in place, shaking his fists, “Haha! I’m a cool dad now! Take _that_ Charlene!”

Perry rolled his eyes in amusement before turning to finally get his cup of hot chocolate. Many more people came up to them as the night continued to ask if everything was ok. By now, everyone knew what had happened and that Heinz had stepped up to take care of it. This got the man a lot of praise and pats on the back, some harder than others. Perry watched with amusement as the man squirmed under it all, not used to people actually _praising_ him for something. Sometimes he would look to Perry for help, but the agent gave none. Not only did he enjoy watching him squirm, but he thought the doctor deserved it. He didn’t hear these kind of things often.

Charlene had heard everything too, watched it all play out when it happened. She had been just surprised by the punch as everyone else. She then watched as her ex-husband had turned and fussed over the man with the teal hair, looking worried sick. She had seen Heinz get angry, of course. They used to fight a lot when they were married, but never had she seen him quite like that. That look was almost murderous. For a while, she had been doubting any of this so called _relationship_ between her ex-husband and Perry was real. Perry was just too perfect to even be genuine and even if all of that were true, if he really was the whole package, there was no way her ex-husband could land someone like that. There was just no way. Heinz was loud, clumsy, utterly _annoying_ when he rambled on and on about something, but as she stood on the side of the room, she watched them.

Watched as Heinz talked his head off about something, flailing his arms until he stepped back and tripped over a chair, falling to the ground with as much grace as a bag of rocks. Perry looked surprised, but then he started to laugh, tipping his head back before curling forward to put a hand on his knee, being careful not to spill his drink. He set his cup aside and tried to help Heinz up, but the clumsy man only succeeded in pulling him down too. He took an elbow to the chin for this, but when they both sat up, Heinz started to laugh, which infected Perry as well. Charlene hated them; hated them for being so happy together. If this was real and her ex-husband was actually uncontrollably happy, then she wasn’t sure how she was going to feel.

“I’m _so_ glad you put that cup down first.” Heinz spoke as he finally stood up, brushing himself off, “I took an elbow to the chin. I didn’t need a lap of hot _coco_ too.” He helped Perry to his feet, being more careful this time.

The agent grinned and held up his hands to sign, _I would have laughed really hard._

“I know you would! That’s the point! Pain _and_ humiliation! I’m tell you, _I’m_ not the evil one here. _You_ are!”

Perry picked up his drink, which had been safely placed on a nearby table and took a sip. It was a little hot, enough to cause some discomfort. He almost wished he could have seen Heinz’s face if this had splattered all over his shirt.

“Attention everyone!” The two turned their attention to the dance floor as a voice came over the speakers. Charlene had one hand in the air, holding a microphone in the other, “We all know the holidays are about family, but I’d also like to think it’s about showing your special someone just how special they really are.” She turned to look off to the side, holding out her free hand for Roger, so stepped up to take it and stand beside her.

Heinz made a face and a little sound, narrowing his eyes at the sight. It may have been six months since he learned they were getting married, but that didn’t mean he had gotten used to the idea. It still stung to think that he lost something else to Roger, no matter how nice the man had been to him lately. He hadn’t realized he had balled his hands into fists until one was being taken and unfolded to hold something else. He looked down to see his nemesis was the one responsible, causing the doctor to relax a little and give him a smile for his comfort. Perry smiled back.

“So I’d like to ask for all the couples, young and old, to join us on the dance floor. I’m looking at _you_ , Heinz.”

Heinz lifted his gaze to Charlene, discovering that she, Roger and a few other people were staring at him. “Who, _me_?” He put his free hand to his chest, “I can’t dance! My knees are made of _cheese_!”

“I don’t want to hear it! I’m sure _Perry_ would want to dance.”

Heinz narrowed his eyes at her before looking at his nemesis, “She’s doing this on purpose.” Perry frowned and nodded. He felt like they were battling this woman all night. Heinz sighed, “Alright, let’s get this over with. Then I think I’ll need to revisit that bar. I’m getting a headache.”

Perry rolled his eyes. Right, like alcohol was going to fix that, but he didn’t say anything. Instead he set his mug down again and walked out with his partner to the dance floor where a few other couples were already standing together.

Heinz stopped, turning to face his nemesis, “Ok, I think you should know, I really _can’t_ dance. The fact that we made it through that other one was a _miracle_. Maybe you should lead, although that uh… that really does nothing for my pride.” He stared down at their feet as they took hands, already expecting to step on Perry’s nicely polished boots. He felt a hand under his chin, pushing it back up to he could look at Perry’s expression, just imaging what he would say if he could speak.

_Really? A pity party?_

Instead the agent shook his head and held up his hands to sign to him, _We’ll do something so easy even_ you _can’t mess up._ He made sure to could extra emphasis on the gesture for ‘you’.

“I wouldn’t count on it.” Heinz told him, looking worried.

Perry sighed and shook his head. When the soft music started, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the doctor’s neck, ducking his head to rest it against them. Heinz lifted his hands up, tensing up. “I um… you’re not going to like… ya know… _punch_ me if I touch you, right? ‘Cause, I mean… punching really _hurts_.”

Without moving, Perry took his hand to sign against one of Heinz’s, _I will punch you if you don’t._

“Ok ok!” Heinz bit his lip and hesitantly put his hands on the man’s sides in a feather light touch. Perry rolled his eyes and sighed before reaching back to push the man’s elbows inward so he would actually wrap his arms around him. “Oh! O-oh, like _that_. Ok. I-I didn’t know what you meant by uh… _touch_. Ok. Like that. Got it. Um… are you sure you’re not going to hit me?” When his nemesis nodded, he swallowed and relaxed a little, fixing his arms so they would rest against his back. He held onto one of his wrists, locking his arms in place. Perry then nudged him into moving, causing Heinz to panic, until he realized they were only swaying. There were no fancy footsteps or spinning or anything like that. Just small, slow steps, rocking side to side.

“That’s it?” Perry nodded. “Oh. Oh ok. I can do that. Right. Ok.” Heinz took a deep breath to help him to relax, especially when he was sure harm wouldn’t be coming his way. Besides, looking really tense while dancing with his supposedly boyfriend probably didn’t look very realistic.

Heinz looked up and across the dance floor at the other couples swaying like they were, some young, some old. It was oddly… peaceful. Perry and he hadn’t really _battled_ for a while now, but they had never been this close while both being so relaxed before. It was strange, but at the same time, maybe… nice? That sounded strange in Heinz’s head and he was grateful he didn’t say it out loud. Still, it felt like something. He would try to think about it later, when he could actually think.

As they turned slowly, Heinz found his daughter in the crowd watching. She smiled and gave him a thumbs-up, earning a smile in return. “Vanessa just gave us a thumbs-up.” He told his nemesis, “I guess that means we’re doing a good job looking _convincing_ and everything. That’s a good thing, right?” Perry nodded ever so slightly, causing Heinz to look down at him. “Are you asleep?” Perry lifted his head enough to send him a look. “Oh, right. Yeah, that was a stupid question. Sorry.”

Heinz turned his gaze back to the dance floor, looking around as they moved, but frowned up when he saw Charlene and his brother dancing together, looking so in love. He tensed up, his grip on the man in front of him tightening. When Perry felt this, he lifted his head to look at him then followed his gaze to the scene. “I know we’re _divorced_ and everything, have been for like, seven _years_ or something, and I don’t _care_ if she’s found someone else, I don’t love her anymore, but she’s with my _brother_ and watching it is just…” Heinz tried to explain. Perry frowned, watching as a pained expression came to the man’s face. “It’s like she’s doing it on _purpose_ , ya know, rubbing that in my face.”

The agent reached up and turned the man’s head so he could look down at him instead. He took his hand to sign, _Don’t look at her. Focus on-_

“On you, I know.” Heinz sighed, “I know. Sorry. I’ll try.”

Perry nodded once before resting his head back on his shoulder again. He didn’t want to tell him, but he agreed. It did seem like Charlene wanted to rub her happiness in Heinz’s face, which wasn’t right. She could be happy, but she didn’t have to be mean about it. However, so long as she did that, he was going to be here for his friend to comfort him and help him through it.

He wasn’t sure when it happened, but Perry had closed his eyes, feeling like he could fall asleep here. It must be the combination of the rocking motion and the soft music. That or the lack of sunny, outdoor naps nowadays. His hold on the man had loosened, causing one arm to stretch out as it rested on Heinz’s shoulder and his other hand to rest against his chest. However, he opened them again and moved his head to peer over Heinz’s shoulder so he could look over the room, taking in how relaxed everyone was. Maybe they were feeling the same. Then he saw movement, different from the dancing. His eyes caught onto it, watching as a man moved through the crowd before pausing to talk to a group of people. He was a young man, well build, in a nice black suit. He had something in his hand, which he showed the people he was talking to. They shook their heads at whatever his question was, causing him to thank them and move on. However, when he got closer to the edge of the dance floor, Perry gasped, head shooting up when he recognized the man. That was Monty! What was he doing here?

“What, what’s wrong?” Heinz’s eyes widened when his partner jerked, “Oh god, did I do something wrong? Did I step on your _feet_? I _knew_ I would!”

Perry quickly shook his head before bending his knees so he could hide behind Heinz but still watch over his shoulder as Monty pulled out the paper again, putting his hands on his shoulders. That was when he noticed it was a picture of him as a platypus. He was looking for him! He felt himself tense up even more, gripping Heinz’s shoulders tighter.

“Perry?” The agent shifted the way they stood so Heinz could see who he was looking at. The doctor’s eyes widened, “Is that _Monty_? _Monogram’s_ son?”

Perry nodded quickly, taking one of the man’s hands to sign against, _He’s looking for me. He has a picture._

“Why? You talked to Monogram before we came!”

Perry shook his head, having no idea what was going on. He thought everything was ok, that they had fooled the major for the evening. Clearly that wasn’t case. Monty couldn’t see him like this, like a human being parading around with Heinz. He could get into so much trouble for everything he had lied about to the agency. _He can’t see me like this,_ Perry insisted to Heinz, looking up at him with worried eyes.

“Excuse me ma’am,” Monty spoke to a woman on the other side of the dance floor, “Have you seen anyone who looks like this?” He pulled out the picture of Agent P in uniform to show her.

The woman gave him a look, “That’s a platypus in a fedora.” She said slowly.

“Yes, yes it is. So I take it you haven’t seen him?”

“No, I haven’t.”

“Alright, sorry to disturb you.”

Heinz looked down at his nemesis, “Ok, don’t panic! I’m an evil _genius_. If there’s one thing we know how to do, it’s get _away_ from people.” He looked around for a moment before lifting a hand to place beside his mouth, “Oh my god, is that _Love Handel_?” He shouted, though it sounded like his voice came from the other side of the room. Perry’s eyes widened in surprise at this. “Yeah see, I _told_ you I learned something at clown school. And you thought it was a _stupid_ idea.” Heinz mumbled to him.

Suddenly the room erupted into cheers and squeals. “Love Handel!” Someone shouted. The crowd broke out into chaos, everyone running this way and that.

“Quickly, now!” Heinz grabbed Perry’s hand to rush off the dance floor and into the crowd, looking for the exit. “There!” He pointed ahead of them, “If we can get back to my apartment, I can change you back and no one will know!”

“Heinz Doofenschmirtz!” The pair froze, turning to see Charlene off to the side of the chaos, hands balled into fists as she glared at them with such a fire for ruining her party.

“She looks _mad_ …” Heinz said to his nemesis quietly.

“Doofenschmirtz!” They looked the other direction to see Monty glaring right at them, holding up his fists like he was ready for a fight.

“He looks mad too! Run!” Heinz shouted before turning and dashing out of the room with a group of people looking for Love Handel. The two ran with the crowd down the hallways of City Hall before taking a sharp turn. “Do you remember how to get to the front door?” Heinz asked Perry, looking down at him. The agent’s eyebrows came together as he shook his head. “Good! Me neither!”


	6. Enough is Enough

Back at the banquet hall, Monty made his way outside, pushing past people until he stood in the hallway. He looked up and down hall but cursed before lifting his watch to his mouth. “Dad, I just saw Doofenschmirtz! We was with some guy, but they got away! I lost them!”

“Don’t worry, Carl is hacking into the security cameras as we speak! We’ll have a live feed of the whole building in no time! And watch that guy he’s with! We have no idea who he is but it’s a good chance the man could be his new evil henchman!” Monogram’s voice came, “Have you seen Agent P anywhere?”

Monty shook his head, even though his dad couldn’t see it, “No, I haven’t. No one here had seen him either.”

“Doofenschmirtz must have gotten him in another way without anyone seeing. Bastard! While Carl works on getting into the security system, I’ll send you Agent P’s watch signal. Find him and make sure he’s ok. I can only imagine what sort of trap Doofenschmirtz has him in if he hasn’t tried to contact us yet.”

“Ok, will do.” Monty lowered his watch to look down at the little screen. A picture of the City Hall floor plan came up, showing a little red dot moving through one of the halls. Perry was on the move! Heinz must have grabbed him when he realized the OWCA was on their trail. “Don’t worry, Agent P. I’m coming!” Monty said to himself before rushing down the hall to follow the dot.

\--

Heinz stopped in an empty hallway, leaning back against the wall so he could catch his breath. “Good god! This place is like a _maze_! We’ll _never_ get out of here!”

Perry took his hand back from Heinz so he could put both of them on his knees as he tried to get his breathing under control. He looked around the hall, seeing nothing but cheap paintings and doors. Suddenly he got an idea, standing up to face Heinz. He used his two pointer fingers to make a square before making a jumping motion with his hand.

The doctor’s eyes widened, “A window! Yeah! We could jump _out_ a window and go find my car! Good idea!” Together, the pair moved down the hall, trying a few doors, but they were all locked. “Come on! Who locks _all_ the doors in a government building?” Heinz complained, kicking one.

“There you are!” The two looked up to see Charlene standing at the end of the hall with a fiery glare. “You ruined _everything_! You and your stupid date, who’s probably not even your _date!”_

“Um, Charlene, I would _love_ to tell you how wrong you are right now, like _really_ love to, but we’re kind of busy at the moment.” Heinz held up his hands, backing away from her like she was a wild animal. However, the woman started towards them, earning a yell from Heinz as he turned to flee. Perry hurried after him.

They ran through the halls, turning this way and that as they tried to lose the woman chancing them. Perry then grabbed Heinz’s wrist and rushed up a flight of stairs, ignoring his winded protests. On the second floor, there was only one set of double doors at the very end. Perry rushed over to it and grabbed the handles.

Locked.

“Oh we’re _doomed_! Doomed!” Heinz shouted, putting his hands on his head, “She’s going to skin us _alive_! I never thought it would _end_ this way! I thought I would go out with a _bang_! A literal _bang_! From an – _inator_ exploding in my face! This is the end! Goodbye, Perry! I could have _never_ asked for a better nemesis!”

Perry rolled his eyes and reached up to pull his beanie off so he could pluck a teal hair pin from his hair. He knelt down and stuck it in the lock, listening carefully as he moved it around. Finally he heard a click and the door opened right up.

Heinz’s eyes widened, “Wow! How did you _do_ that?” Perry gave his nemesis a look. “Oh, right. Secret agent. Haha, _yeah_ , I forgot.” Heinz yelped when he was grabbed and dragged into the door, the door slamming behind them.

“Hey! This is the _mayor’s_ office!” Heinz grinned and looked around, rubbing his hands together. “We should totally trash this place!” He looked up to watch Perry toss his beanie to the floor, then his scarf, before pushing everything that was on the major’s desk off and to the floor. Heinz’s eyes widened, “Oh my _god_! I didn’t think you would actually _do_ it! Yes! Let’s destroy this place!” He turned around and grabbed some books on a shelf, ripping them down. He was about to do another shelf when he was grabbed. Perry glared at him and slapped him across the face. “Ow! What the _hell_ , man?” Heinz glared back, rubbing his cheek, “I thought we were over the whole _hitting_ thing!”

Perry held up his hands to sign, _We aren’t destroying the place!_ Heinz whined, sticking his lower lip out in a pout. _We’re putting together a scene._

“A scene? A scene for what?”

There was suddenly a bang at the door, “Heinz Doofenschmirtz, you open this door right now and face me like a man!” Charlene’s voice came through.

The doctor let out a squeal of terror, about to go into another rambling rampage of fear, but Perry grabbed him by the wrist and dragged him over to the desk he had just trashed. He lifted a foot, kicking the lush rolling chair out of the way before he shoved Heinz to the floor.

“Hey!” Heinz glared up at him, “If you have a _plan_ , I would really like to know what it is instead of being _mistreated_!”

Perry ignored him for a moment as he sat down beside him. He ran his fingers through his hair, completely messing it up before doing the same thing to Heinz. The doctor made a face and slapped his hands away, “Stop it! Tell me what’s going on!” He demanded.

There was another bang on the door, “I know you’re in there!” Charlene shouted.

Perry turned his attention to his nemesis, lifting his hands to sign, _I want you to kiss me._

“ _Excuse_ me?!” Heinz made a face, looking at him in shock, “I must have read that _wrong_ , because I think you just said you wanted me to _kiss_ you.” Perry nodded. “Are you _kidding_ me?! We’re about to have our _asses_ handed to us by a mad woman in a _Santa_ dress and all you can think about is _kissing_? You’re a secret agent! _Focus_!”

Perry growled and slapped the man across the face again. He really wish he could do more. This man was impossible. _You want to convince her, right? Get her off your back?_ This _will convince her._

Heinz frowned, rubbing his sore cheek as he heard the door knob jiggle. If this was going where he thought it was, then he was pretty sure Charlene would be convinced. However, as they sat there, he realized something. Over the past six months, the two of them have been bending over backwards for that woman. The first few times were ok, but now it seemed to make things worse instead of better. Heinz’s eyebrows frowned as he suddenly looked determined. “No.”

Perry’s eyes widened a little at the man’s suddenly change in domineer. He wondered if it was because of the slap.

“No, I’m done!” Heinz stood back up and walked around the desk to the set of doors Charlene was banging against. Perry quickly stood up on his knees so he could watch, hoping the man knew what he was doing. He didn’t want to tend to his wounds.

When Heinz reached the door, he unlocked it and threw it open, coming face to face with his very pissed off ex-wife. Charlene opened her mouth to yell at the man, glaring fire at him, but Heinz returned the look.

“You’re going to _listen_ and listen _good_!” He started, pointing at her. His tone caused Charlene’s words to die on her lips and Perry’s eyes to widen. “For the past _six months_ , we have been jumping through _hoops_ trying to keep you happy. I have been to more _parties_ in those past six months than I have been in my _entire_ life! All because _you_ have a problem believing that _I_ can find someone who makes me _happy_. Well you know what? It’s true! All of it is true!” Heinz pointed behind him at the agent whose jaw was nearly hitting the desk. “Do you see that guy over there? That guy is the _best_ damn thing that has ever happened to me in my entire _life_. He listens to me no matter _what_ I’m talking about, he comforts me, he makes me _laugh_ , he bends over _backwards_ just to help me out, no matter _how_ small the problem is! That man right there is my best friend and if you have an issue with believing the fact that I _finally_ found someone who makes me happy, then you can take your _fancy_ parties and shove them up your ass, because I am _done_ parading around like this!”

Heinz turned back around, meeting the man’s shocked look. “Come here, Perry.” The agent closed his mouth with a click and slowly stood up to walk around the desk. He picked up his hat and scarf from the floor before taking the hand outstretched for him. Heinz then glared back at Charlene, “Goodnight, Charlene.” With that, he walked out of the office and away from his ex-wife, whose eyes were as big as dinner plates.

Perry jogged a little to catch up with Heinz’s long strides, holding his things to his chest. He glanced over his shoulder at Charlene, who had her hand to her mouth as she stared at the floor. He had no idea what was going through her head right now, but for once, she looked shaken up. Perry would have felt bad for her if she didn’t deserve everything that just happened. He looked forward again as they went back down the stairs to the first floor. However, Heinz stopped at the bottom. He gave a heavy sigh before flopping down onto one of the stairs. He rubbed his face a few times then folded his arms over the tops of his knees.

Perry sat down beside him, taking a moment to pull his beanie back on, then held his scarf in his lap, running the folds in the fabric between his fingers. He wasn’t sure what to say, if there was anything. That was twice tonight the scientist surprised him to the point of utter speechlessness. Ok, so punching a guy out was one thing, but chewing out his ex-wife was something different. Heinz wasn’t a very outgoing guy, pretty awkward and clumsy, so to see him actually stand up for not only himself, but for Perry too, was something else. The agent glanced up at his nemesis, taking in his faraway look before he dropped his head to his shoulder. Maybe this was all that was needed right now; the silence and the comforting presence of a friend.

“Did you see the _look_ on her face?” Perry lifted his head to see the man was finally smiling a little, looking an odd mixture of shock and pride. “She didn’t see _that_ coming.” Perry smiled back as Heinz chuckled a little. As he met the man’s gaze, his laugh slowly died out as his cheeks turned a little red. He cleared his throat, “Ah um… Now that I think about it, all that stuff I said was kind of… _embarrassing_ with you sitting there listening.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “I mean, I’m not going to take it _back_! I meant it, but _still_. Kind of embarrassing.” Perry’s shoulders shook a little with his silent chuckle, but he nudged him with one. Heinz smiled again, “Thank you, Perry.”

“There you are!” The pair looked up to see Monty at the end of the hall, knees belt like he was ready to give chase.

“Oh, I forgot about him.” Heinz said, almost conversationally, before he grabbed Perry’s hand and rushed off. The agent stumbled to stand, but quickly caught up speed, eyebrows frowning up. He had totally forgotten about Monty too, with everything that had just happened.


	7. The Best Christmas Present Ever

Monty gave chase, lifting his watch to his mouth, “Dad, I found them!” He said, “I don’t see Perry, but I found Doofenschmirtz and that other guy!”

“Good job, son! Capture both of them and bring them in! We’ll find Agent P one way or another!” Monogram responded.

Heinz looked down at his nemesis, “Well on the plus side, he still has no idea who you are.” He said as they rounded a corner. “Oh! I have an idea!” He stopped then turned to put his hands on Perry’s shoulders, “Here, you run away and get back to my building and change back, then call in and say everything’s ok. I’ll say back and distract him.” Perry’s eyes widened, but he frowned and shook his head. “Look we don’t really have _time_ to argue about this. It’s either this or they figure out who you are. Let’s be honest here, it’s not going to take long. You look _exactly_ the same in the hair and the face.”

Monty rounded the corner then, “Freeze!”

“Go!” Heinz turned Perry around and gave him a shove down the hallway before turning to Monty. He put his fists up and waved them around, bouncing from foot to foot, “You want a piece of me, Monty? Come and get it! I’ll have you know I was a _pretty_ good boxer back in Drusselstein!”

Perry took a few steps down the hall before he stopped and turned around, eyebrows coming together. He watched as Monty rushed him, tackling Heinz to the ground. They rolled around for a moment before Monty came on top and slammed his fist into the doctor’s jaw. Perry flinched, making a little face.

“What have you done with Agent P?” Monty demanded as he pinned the man down by his shoulders.

“I’ll never tell you!” Heinz shouted back before wiggling a long leg between them so he could kick Monty off him. When he stood up, he glanced back, but narrowed his eyes at Perry when he saw he was still there. “Get going!” He waved at him with his hand.

Perry bit his lip, taking a step back.

Monty got back on his feet and slammed Heinz into a wall, landing a fist in his gut. The doctor’s eyes widened as all the air rushed out of his lungs. He started to cough, leaning over, but Monty turned and tossed him to the ground. “Tell me where Agent P is right now or you’ll regret it!” He said again.

Heinz groaned and put his hands on his stomach, “Oh _shit_ that smarts…” He grumbled before glaring at up at Monty, “No!” Monty frowned and leaned down to pick the man up so he could slam him against the wall again, only harder this time. Heinz let out a shout, making a pained face.

Perry flinched again, his whole body going tense. It was strange. Before he wouldn’t bat an eye at Heinz getting beaten up. In fact, he probably would have enjoy watching it, but things were different now. He wasn’t sure how different or when it got like this, but Perry knew he couldn’t just stand by while the man took punches for him.

Monty lifted his fist to punch Heinz again, but instead found himself tackled to the floor. He let out a surprised yell and looked up to see the guy Heinz had been running around was over him with a glare.

Heinz gasped, looking down at the scene. He rushed over and grabbed Perry by the shoulders, “What are you doing? I told you to _run_! I’ve got this!”

Perry shook the scientist off and ducked when Monty tried to hit him. He grabbed his wrists and fought with him to keep him from breaking free. Perry knew that if he had ran, he probably could have made it back to Heinz’s apartment and could have changed back without any problem, then everything would go back to normal, but as he stood there and watched the man take punches for him, he knew he couldn’t just leave. This was his fight, not Heinz’s. Perry understood what was probably going to happen once he spoke. He had known for the past six months what was going to happen if and when he was found out, but he had to do this. If he didn’t, Monty was just going to follow them to the ends of the Earth. He was good like that. As Perry took a deep breath, he felt his heart racing, like he had just ran miles. He then parted his lips and made the same chirping sound he would if he were an animal.

Monty immediately stopped struggling, his eyes going wide. He laid there for a moment as his brain seemed to short circuit before slowly coming back online. “Agent… P?” Perry nodded, making a firm line with his lips. “I… what? Perry, is that really _you_?” The agent nodded again, letting his wrists go when he was sure he wouldn’t try to punch him again. Monty put his hands on his head, staring up at him, “But… but you’re a _man._ I mean, like a _human_. How…?”

Perry stood up and pulled the man to his feet before taking a few steps back to stand beside Heinz. The doctor was working his lip between his teeth as he glanced down at his nemesis. He had no idea what was going to happen next, but if Perry's earlier reaction of seeing Monty was anything to go on, it probably wasn’t good.

“Monty! What are you doing?” Monty was jolted from his thoughts, looking down at his watch as he dad started to speak. “I said cuff them and bring them in! Don’t just stand there!” The man pressed his lips together, hesitating for a moment before he sighed. He pulled out two sets of cuffs from his pocket, “I have no idea what’s going on, or even if you’re actually Perry, but I have to take you in. Are you going to fight me?”

Perry shook his head, holding out his wrists.

“That’s _it_?” Heinz asked, causing his nemesis to look up at him. “We’re just going to _give_ up? Just like _that_? After _everything_?”

Perry frowned and held up his hands to sign, _I’m not going to fight my own people._

“But…” Heinz frowned, biting his lip for a moment before he gave a heavy sigh. “ _Fine_.” He held out his wrists too as he gave the man a look, “Just so you know, I’m doing this for _you_. If it were up to me, you would be _long gone_ by now.” His nemesis gave him a little smile and nod, completely understanding.

Monty frowned a little, still confused and worried, but he clicked the cuffs around their wrists then led them to the back door of the building.

“I didn’t know this place had a back _door_!” Heinz said as they stepped out into the cold night. “See, we should have come _this_ way!” He walked down the stairs then turned to look up at Perry, who was already shivering from the cold. The doctor frowned, “Aw man, you left your jacket inside.” He looked down at himself, “So did I or else I would give you mine. Oh man! My _car_ is still here! They better not tow it! I swear, if they tow my car, I’m charging _Monobrow_ for the service and _reclaiming_ fee!” Perry smiled, puffs of mist coming from his mouth as he laughed.

The two followed Monty to a white car parked just outside. He opened the back door and motioned them in, “Watch your heads.” He warned them. Perry slipped in first, scooting over before he watched Heinz smack his head against the car roof.

“Shit! Oh god! Who the hell puts a _roof_ there?” He put his hands to his face, taking a few steps back. Monty rolled his eyes as Perry bit his lip to keep from laughing too much. With more care, Heinz got into the car, though he still slammed right into Perry’s shoulder, since he couldn’t catch himself with his hands being cuffed together. “Sorry.” He said as he righted himself. The agent just shook his head.

Once Monty got in the car and started for the agency, Perry looked out the window. He watched the same world go by, with the same lights as earlier before the party. Only this time, he wouldn’t be protecting the people lingering out on the sidewalk. Not anymore. The thought caused him to frown, biting his lip as he looked down at the cuffs around his wrists. He then lifted his hands to rub his face and rake back his hair.

Heinz noticed his nervous behavior, frowning a little, “Hey, don’t worry.” He told him, “Once we get to headquarters, I’ll explain _everything_ and you’ll be off the hook!” Perry dropped his hands and looked at his nemesis with a near hopeless expression, shaking his head. “What do you mean, _no_? Sure you will!” He chuckled, “It’s not like they’re going to _fire_ you for this.” When Perry’s eyebrows came together and his lips parted, looking even more upset, Heinz’s smile fell. “What? Perry, are they going to _fire_ you?” The agent looked away, frowning as he messed with his fingers. Heinz reached over and quickly grabbed his hands, causing Perry to look back at him, “Are you _serious_? Oh my god! Perry, why didn’t you _say_ something? Why would you do all this if you knew you were going to get _fired_ if you were _caught_?”

Perry took his hands back so he could sign with them, though they shook a little, _You needed help._

His response shocked Heinz into silence. The scientist stared at his nemesis with wide eyes, his whole world turning upside down by three little words. Everything that had happened, not just tonight, but over the last six months, Perry had done to help him, Heinz got that part, but he had no idea what kind of price tag that help came with. The worst part was that _he_ wasn’t even paying for it. _Perry_ was. The man who Heinz had given so much grief over the last four years, hell almost five now, put everything on the line just so he could help him out. Heinz had no words. Never had someone done something like this for him before. He wasn't even worthy of something like this! If he had known that Perry was going to get in trouble for helping him, he would never have asked in the first place!

Heinz jumped a little when he felt something against his shoulder, looking down to see his nemesis had rested his head there, still messing with his fingers as he seemed to barely keep himself together. The scientist bit his lip before grab his fidgeting hands to offer some sort of comfort, although he felt like he could never do enough now.

The ride to the agency was over far too quickly. Monty pulled into a parking garage before getting out to open the back door for the two. Heinz got out first before turning to hold out a hand, helping his nemesis out as well. As they walked through the halls, Heinz glanced over at Perry, who was walking tall as his fellow agents eyed him curiously. Strong to the end, he supposed. Monty stopped at a door and opened for them, motioning them in with his head. Inside stood Major Monogram and Carl, one looking far more angry than the other.

“Doofenschmirtz.” Monogram spat.

Heinz’s eyes widened as he held up his hands, “Wait, let me explain! You can’t fire him!” He spoke quickly.

The major and intern shared a confused look before looking back at Heinz, “Fire who?”

Once Perry stepped into the room, he clicked his boots together and saluted, though it looked a little odd with his other hand following along. Monogram looked at him, raising an eyebrow, “Who are you?” When Perry chirped, his eyes went wide.

“Dad,” Monty stepped forward, eyeing Perry warily, “This is… Agent P.”

“What?!” Carl shouted as his major made a confused sound.

“Wait, wait! Let me _explain_!” Heinz jumped in, waving his cuffed hands wildly, “This is all my fault! I built an –inator called the _Transform_ -inator and used it to turn Perry into a human _being_ so he could-…”

“Good gravy!” Monogram stared at Perry in shock, finally seeing him for the first time. “You… you changed him into a human _being_?” He turned a glare to Heinz, “You monster!”

“No no wait! You don’t understand! Over the last six months he’s been helping me-…”

“Six months?” Monogram’s brows frowned as he thought for a moment before narrowing his eyes at his agent, “Six months! You’ve been helping Doofenschmirtz for that long?” He turned his attention to his intern, “Carl, go get me Agent P’s activity files!”

“Right away, sir!” Carl hurried out of the room but was only gone for a few minutes before he came back with a couple of folders in his arms. He set them on the major’s desk so he could go through them.

Monogram picked up one, flipping through it, before going through another. As he continued, he seemed to grow angrier and angrier. He turned his glare to Perry, waving a file in his face, “Six months! Are all your reports of activity on Doofenschmirtz from that time period fake?” Heinz’s eyes widened as he looked to his nemesis, whose gaze didn’t more from staring straight ahead, like a good agent. Monogram opened the folder, “Bath-inator, Hot Dog-inator, Giant-Sugar-Cookie-of-Doom-inator… these never existed, did they?” Monogram threw the file on the ground, “I knew something was fishy when he didn’t see any of these on satellite imaging but I didn’t dare think it was because _you_ made them up!”

Heinz shook his head, completely baffled, “Wait, you _lied_ on your reports?” Perry finally glanced over at him, his eyebrows frowning up. “ _Why_?”

Perry lowered his hands from his salute so he could sign to him, _You needed help._

Heinz felt breathless and wild with panic, “No! No, why would you _do_ something like that? Perry, if I knew you were going to do all of _this_ , I would never have asked!” He lifted his hands to place them on his head, “ _This_ was why you were afraid you were going to be fired?”

“Oh he’s fired, alright.” Monogram glared at his agent, who lowered his gaze to the floor. “I could maybe over look one false report, _maybe,_ but a whole six months’ worth? Do you know how much paperwork is going to have to be done now to fix this? How much time it’s going to take to go into the computer and dig out every false claim? And all for what?” He held up his hand, “No, I don’t want to know.” He held out his hand, “I want your badge, _now_.”

Heinz watched in horror was Perry twisted to grab his wallet from his back pocket so he could hand it to the major, but he lunged forward and smacked it out of his hand. “No!” He shouted, causing Perry to jump in surprise. Monty rushed up and grabbed Heinz by the arms to pull him back, but the doctor struggled against him. “You can’t fire him! He’s the best damn agent you _have_!”

Monogram glared at him, “Correction: he _was_ the best agent he had.”

Heinz shook his head, “I’m not talking about stupid _test scores_ or _records_ or anything like that! He’s your best damn agent because…” He paused, pressing his lips together for a moment before he spat out his next few words, “Because I’m giving up evil!”

The room was silent, everyone shocked speechless. Heinz felt breathless with his confession, meeting every wide-eyed stare in the room as he yanked his arms away from Monty. “I haven’t built an -inator in _four months_ , and no, I had no idea Perry was _lying_ about any of this. I haven’t had a desire to! I’ve just been… really _happy!_ And you want to know why? It’s because of this guy _right_ here!” He pointed at Perry, his other hand following. He then shook them out, “I’m not going into this again. I already _gave_ this speech once tonight and I don’t think I can give it again, but I’m serious! Here, look.” Heinz reached into his pocket to out a small envelope and held it out to Perry. “I was going to give you this _later_ , you know, on Christmas _Day_ , but I guess now would be a good time too.”

Perry looked down at the envelope held out to him, slowly taking it as he tried to get over his shock. With a bit of skill, he tore it open and pulled the card out to look at. It must have been the tackiest Christmas card ever made, covered in ribbons and pictures of holiday things like reindeer and snowmen. It said ‘Merry Christmas’ on the front in big, swirly letters. Perry opened it but something fell out, causing him to bend over and pick it up. It was a collection of folded up papers. Perry slipped the card under his arm so he could unfold the papers and read them over, but he only got so far before his eyes widened and they shoot up to look at Heinz.

“What, what is it?” Monogram asked, eyeing them.

Perry turned the papers around to show him. They were ‘I Give up Evil’ forms along with an application for the agency.

“I know we did this once _before_.” Heinz spoke up, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck as best he could, “But I’m _serious_ this time. One hundred percent serious.”

“So… you’re really giving up evil?” Monogram asked him, eyeing the papers before looking at the scientist, who nodded. “Why? What changed your mind this time?”

Heinz sighed, dropping his head back dramatically, “Weren’t you just _listening_? No, ok. Let me say this _really_ clear so even _you_ can understand.” He met his gaze again with a firm one of his own as he held out a hand towards Perry. “Perry has convinced me that I don’t need to be _evil_ to get what I want. Did you get that? I’m not evil anymore because of _Perry._ He’s the best damn agent you’ve ever had because he not only does his job _really_ well, but because he does _way_ more than whatever you guys assign to him. He’s more than just a secret agent, he’s an _amazing_ person, like a heart of gold and all that garbage. If you fire him, I’ll _seriously_ question this organization’s future.”

Perry stared at him as he spoke, gripping the papers tightly in his hands. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had noticed a difference in Heinz before tonight, that he seemed a little happier, and he had heard his speech to Charlene, but he didn’t think the man was actually going to totally give up his evil ways like this. Then to hear that it was all because of _him…_ He wasn’t sure what to say. He felt his heart race, fueling how he felt; a mixture of happiness, surprise, and utter disbelief. It was all so overwhelming. Perry bit his lip, feeling his throat get tight. He was suddenly grateful he couldn’t actually speak. Instead, he dropped his head to Heinz’s shoulder.

The doctor’s eyes widened in surprise, looking down at tuffs of teal hair. He didn’t move or say anything, not really sure what to do. However, Perry stepped back and turned to Monogram’s desk. He plucked a pen from a mug by the computer before flipping through the papers until he got to the agency application. Under references, he wrote his name down then put the word ‘friend’ under relationship. Heinz peered over his shoulder to see what he was doing, before he gasped in delight.

“You’re going to be my _reference_?” He asked, meeting Perry’s eyes when the man stood up straight. He nodded then flipped the papers back over to hand to the major.

Monogram hesitantly took them, looking them over one by one. Heinz felt tense as he waited for his reaction, until Perry leaned his shoulder into his with a smile. For a moment, Heinz could have sworn the agent’s eyes looked a little watery, but if they did, he wasn’t going to say anything. Instead he smiled, feeling a little more confident in his decision.

“Well, this is all… very unusual.” Monogram started, “It’s not every day we have a villain willingly signing an ‘I Give up Evil’ form and applying for a position here. Of course, you did this once, and we all know how _that_ worked out.” He lifted his eyes to narrow them at Heinz, who just gave a nervous chuckle in return. “Nearly lost a good agent because of you. Plus all the damages to the building put us behind in the budget.” The doctor bit his lip as the negatives started to stack up. At this point, he was just hoping they didn’t literally kick him to the streets.

“However,” The two in handcuffs looked up as Monogram continued, “Everything here seems to be in order.” He glanced at Perry, “And it seems here you have a very prestigious employee as a reference.” Perry’s eyes widened, taking in a silent gasp as he looked up at Heinz, who had a grin slowly forming across his face. “So, Agent P,” Perry looked back at the major, “What do you think? Would Heinz Doofenschmirtz made a good agent?”

The man felt breathless, once again overcome with joy when he realized that he still had his job and his good standings with the major. He swallowed, pressing his lips together, but he couldn’t keep his smile down, so he stopped fighting it. He smiled wide at Monogram, eagerly nodding his head.

“Well then,” The major turned to Carl and handed him the papers, “I believe we have a new recruit to add to the lineup.”

Heinz gasped, “ _Really_?”

Monogram nodded, “Training starts 9am sharp. Don’t be late.”

Heinz let out a squeal, turning to look at Perry, who looked just as excited. He took his hands in his excitement, “Merry Christmas! Surprise!” He said, “Did you like your present?” The agent nodded quickly, his shoulders shaking as he laughed. Heinz then turned to Monty, holding out his cuffed wrists, “Hey, can you get these things off me? It’s kind of hard to _hug_ someone with _handcuffs_ on.” Monty rolled his eyes, but smiled the entire time. He unlocked Heinz’s cuffs and moved to do the same for Perry, but the man had already turned and wrapped his arms around him. Perry’s eyes widened when his feet left the ground, lifting them up a little to keep himself balanced as Heinz leaned back a little. However, the scientist ended up losing his own balance from leaning too far back and went toppling to the ground. Perry could do nothing to help lessen the impact of his weight on the man, due to his hands still being cuffed, so Heinz coughed and groaned.

Monogram put a hand over his eyes, “I’m going to regret this…”

Monty laughed and moved to unlock the cuffs on Perry’s wrists when he sat back and held them up. As soon as he was free, Perry turned and tossed his arms around the doctor’s neck, sending them both back to the floor once more. He knew right there in that moment that this was the best Christmas present he had even gotten.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and putting up with the weird chapter cut off points! =D

**Author's Note:**

> The chapters might end a little weird, because this story was written as one continuous piece, but it was too long to post as such, so I broke it into chapters to make it a little easier.


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